250-ish Hours in 3 Minutes or Less

I’ve given a year of my life to a Coaching for Transformation program at Leadership That Works. A series of events opened up space and possibility for me to question “What’s Next?” and lead me to this program. I knew that I wanted to help people find their inner leaders, their voices, their bliss. I had no concept of to what degree this experience would help me find mine. Graduation was last week and we were each gifted with three minutes to honor our experience in the program. I opted to enter with a written reflection and my speech follows. If you have noticed a subtle or less than subtle shift in me this year and you were curious about the cause, this is it. 

I’d like to open with a quote. “Even Superheroes need Sidekicks. And butlers.” (This is a Suzie Bichovsky original!)

I’m no superhero with a capital S on my chest. I’m Suzie with a lowercase z in the middle of my shoulder blades. 

Have you ever looked at Zs? They have a beginning and an end. Zs have two acute angles. So adorable- less than 90 degrees, polished to the point, but chock full of good stuff in-between. 

A Z has a slanted line connecting the parallel lines above and below it. The top parallel line represents the beginning of the journey, my past, my needs, my values, my shadows. The bottom represents the end, my future- the imagined, the unimagined, the unknown. 

The slanted line? That’s the current ride, this moment, and all of its possibility. 

Before Coaching for Transformation? I was consumed by my inherited past and my ability to view the future was clouded by fear. Now? My past does not control me, my future excites me, and the present moment is a privilege in all its anger, fear, sadness and joy. 

In closing, I’d like to revise my opening quote.“Superheroes, who have received transformational coaching and trust their intuition, may choose to collaborate with a sidekick if working with said sidekick honors their values and may choose to employ a butler or other support staff if said support staff fulfills a role on the superhero’s dream team, enabling her to fully step into who she was always meant to be.” 

Thank you for listening and for giving of yourselves this year.

Reputionalism

What do I value? What do I stand for? How do my actions in all aspects of my life reflect this? 

These are some questions that have been brewing around my heart. I say my heart because my mind has always had questions crowding it, worries elbowing their way in, eliminating any room for what is most important. My body has become a compass- tightening in the chest, weight between my shoulder blades, heaviness of my eyes- all pointing to my true North. These physical sensations are all indicators that I’m off course or there’s an obstacle in my way. For years, I’ve ignored the messages. Soldier on. Work harder. Ignore, ignore, ignore.

No more.

From an early age, I developed an awareness or a thought that to be perfect would make things “OK.” I was never looking for a level of living beyond OK. Not good, not great, never Amazing or Awesome. This was developed before I left elementary school. It’s no one’s responsibility, fault, or intention. My exact experience or story is not important nor are the choices I have made as a result of acting on the story and messages. What is important is how many times I ignored what my body was trying to tell me. “This isn’t right.” “You deserve more.” “It’s OK to say NO to this.” “Walk away.” “Hey---don’t you want to try this?”

Ignoring the messages of my body, accepting the messages from my childhood, and working on Perfect all lead to the erection of my wall of Professionalism. Polished Suzie. Poker face Suzie. SO MANY TIMES I’ve been complimented and rewarded for this version. What would happen if I allowed the less manicured version of myself to shine?

Today, I’m more invested in my reputation as described by all of my stakeholders. How do they see me? How do I show up with them? This version of reputation isn’t one that I’m trying to craft but is one that is reflected to me. My stakeholders, my community, my tribe- they are my mirror. How close am I to my true North based upon their reflections?

Ironically, now that my actions are guided by my choices and in alignment with what I value versus being forced by “Shoulds” and “Have to’s,” life doesn’t look much different on the outside. But, there’s a lot more room on the inside for what’s important. My life is far from perfect, it is very messy, but it is on the path to Awesome. 

Questions for your consideration: What is your true North? What is getting in the way of you following it? How do your actions reflect what you value? 

Tick Tock at My Door

To misquote Eckhart Tolle and the Practicing the Power of Now, right now is the past and the future. Ready? It's the past. Ready? It's the future.

The Shoulda's and Mights of the past and future. The Regrets, the Fears, and the Anxiety. These are always with us. What is it like to let them go? If even for a minute...

If you are feeling adventurous, I invite you to pause in your reading for one minute. In fact, set a timer for one minute and simply open your mind to this moment. Let go of everything else. Just be. See you in a minute.

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How'd you do? 

Me?

I found myself in a staring contest with one of my cats. It lasted longer than previous attempts. The ticking of the second hand of my clock was louder than normal. And soothing. A bird called outside. A buzzing sound was distracting me as was the shrieking of the cat trying to paw her way into the occupied bathroom. (Wait...who is in the bathroom? Wasn't he downstairs? When did he come upstairs? How did I miss that? When did the cat leave my staring contest to find him? Ugh- the bag of work right next to me! This is a lonnnnnnnnnnnnng minute.)

I've had better minutes. I could've done better. I shouldn't have tried to track my thoughts. I just need to be. But what if I can't? What if, because I know I'm writing about it, I just can't access this moment and be present? What about that bag of work? What if I can never enjoy another minute until it is done? What if it takes me 1,000 more minutes to psyche myself up to attack it? It might never get tended to. Forever. (Wait, is that For-never?) Can I get my cat to barf up the most massive hairball of his life on it and claim the Universe wanted it to be like this?

I'm taking another minute. A minute of nothing but being and noticing. My breath. Tension in my chest. No other thoughts are welcome even as they knock on the door. They can wait a minute. Anything can wait a minute. I am determined. I am grace. I am resilient.

I'm reminded of a city bus tour. I sat on the upper level of the double decker bus and took very few pictures. I challenged myself to just enjoy each moment, each image. I recall seeing a tall building on the left side of the street with endless air conditioning units being held up by nails and pulled down by gravity. The word "Resilient" came to mind and I turned to tell someone on the ride, anyone, what I noticed.

Everybody was watching the sights on the right side of the street through a camera lens. Everyone.

How often do we walk through our our life and miss the moments on the left because we are caught up in what is on the right? How does watching through the filter of past regrets or future concerns impact what we experience right now? How do the Shoulda's and Mights frame our judgements and interfere with simply being?

I'm challenging myself to take stolen minutes with myself. Those minutes will not change what is knocking at my door but will impact how I receive what's there when I choose to open it.

The Soundtrack of My...OHHHHH---Butterfly!

The breeze and its crescendo. Birds chirping, one group squawking with insistence. Wind chimes from a distance. The hum of an outdoor unit. A butterfly flitting in my face, blessing me after a sneeze. A lawnmower.

I'm wrapping up the reading of I Will Not Die an Unlived Life by Dawna Markova and am waiting for my epiphany. Normally a reader with a "must finish this book in one sitting" appetite, I read this one at a recommended two chapters per month. With each reading, I've had a realization. A brief Aha-Oprah Winfrey-brick-in-the-forehead wake up moment. Hmmm...not yet.

I've followed a routine with each reading, no matter the weather. Coffee, check. Outside, check. Comfy clothes, check. Embracing the sounds of nature? Check. Sitting on a swing, face in the sun, mind clear? Check, check, wait...

The voices of neighbors streets away and slamming car doors. Don't they know? Did they not receive the Universal memo? Don't mess with my Soundtrack! Suzie is reading and waiting for an epiphany. OK. That's stopped.

Lawnmower. Birds. (Wait...aren't those the nighttime sounds?) Airplane. (Where are they going?) Birds are getting louder. (The Birds! Such an awesome movie.) The breeze has lost its oomph. (I'm hot. Sweating.) A leaf or something with weight rustles by and I jerk my head to track it. (Definitely shouldn't have watched that Doctor Who episode before trying to concentrate. Swinging with my legs up- nothing's grabbing my feet!) Hello, butterfly! (Welcome back! You've brought a friend. You are awfully close to my head. No, really, get away from my face.) Something is making a cicada-like noise. Cicadas? (Lawnmower has stopped. Now I can think! My to-do list clutters my mind. All I want to do is crawl onto the couch and pull a blanket over my head.)

There it is. The external noises aren't the issue. My internal soundtrack is. Perhaps today isn't a brick-in-the-head epiphany day. Perhaps, to quote someone from yesterday's discussion group, it's a grain-of-sand-on-the-forehead day.

Markova writes, "...we know that anything capable of decay is also possible of renewal and regeneration." This must include my concentration. As a neighbor starts up a chainsaw, I'll give myself permission to pack it in for the day. Attack two things on the to-do list. (Yes- just two.) Go watch something on TV.

Maybe I'll just watch something and skip the list today. I'm inspired to watch a horror movie for some reason...I'm sure I'll have nightmares about uncompleted tasks and a wild wag of the Tsking pointer finger. I'll patiently wait for the butterflies to launch their attack and transform judgement into beautiful acceptance.

Or, maybe one of the butterflies will use a chainsaw to get the job done! (That's a movie...The Butterflies. Tagline: Metamorphosis, one appendage at a time.)

OK...I'll do one thing on the to-do list.

Game Over?

"Not the orange L. The blue backwards L. THE BLUE L!"

This is the dialogue in my head as I play Tetris. I never get the blue L when I want it and, after waiting, I inevitably settle for using the straight line from the hold box. Naturally, the blue L shows up in the queue one move later.

I've been playing Tetris so much that I see new ways to load the dishwasher, pack a car, and- as I stare at your face- I can figure out which tetromino best fits between your eyebrows. Seeing imaginary tetrominos floating in the air is enough of a red flag for me to know…it is time to delete the app.

Before I do, what have I learned?

1. It's OK to make mistakes. I like to build up rows of pieces eight high and leave space on the left for two long pieces to slide in. Scoring the back to back Tetris is gratifying. Sometimes, I make a mistake and place a piece where I don't want it. I end up blocking the path of the best piece. Instead of panicking and sabotaging my game (hello, quick pull down of every piece to come!), I look for ways to work around the mistake, clearing the path for my original intention. Other times, I figure out that the mistake’s a good thing. It opens up a path I did not see. Messy can be good.
2. Remember the low scores. The game is a fan of tracking my high score but not my low one. Whether I get a really high score in one game or several low scores that build up in multiple games, my grand total goes up, I earn fake coins, and I can buy new music for the game (that I play in silence). The low score reminds me to think about what happened. Was I playing while sleepy? Was I watching TV and playing at the same time? How does my attention impact my performance? Accountability.
3. Michelle and David are not my barometer for success. I still don't understand if Michelle and Steve are computer personalities or real people piped in. As I play, their scores appear and, as my score increases, so do their scores. Are we collaborating? Does my success contribute to their success? Or, is keeping their score higher than mine supposed to entice me to try harder? It doesn't. I would be much more invested in the scores of others if I knew that my success impacted them and their success impacted me. How cool would it be to see a screen shot of their most risky and successful moves? Transparency.
4. I need a menu of options. I can pause the game and resume at any time. If I don't like how things are going, I can restart the whole thing. Help option? I haven't gone there- feels like cheating. There's a shadow function that shows you where your piece will land. Someone told me that was cheating. Shut your face! It's a support. A frame. The trajectory is clear. If I know where I'm going, I don't need to start all over again. Clarity.
5. It's all about perception. "Life's a bowl of cherries; sometimes, it's the pits." "Life gives you lemons; make lemonade." How about: "You can wish for a one cube piece but it's not gonna happen." Sometimes, the game gets away from me. Each level is faster than the one before it. It’s inevitable that I am going to make a wrong move if I keep up at this pace. I know there's no way out so I start to pull down the pieces as fast as I can. Game over. I get frustrated but I remind myself that I get a do over. I get to pick if I start again at level 1 and slowly build up or dive back in at a frantic 10. I always start back at 1, take a breath, and slow down. Connect with breath.
6. Purple is the best! OK, purple has always been my favorite color. In the Tetris world, the purple piece is the most flexible in my mind. I see all of its potential and viewpoints. It's a nice substitute for the red or green Z's when I need it. I can see how the purple tetronimo is going to impact the board. I control where I place it and any fallout. Impact.

Embrace the messy, accountability, transparency, clarity, connect with breath, impact. These learnings from an app are applicable to many avenues of my life- career, home, family, friends. Nothing is perfect. I’m accountable for my actions. If I expect transparency and support from others, I must be clear with my intentions. Slow down, breathe, and think before I act or react. (Or, post or text or message or comment!) Always consider my impact on others- the real, the possible, and the perceived. 

Tetris may be game over for me but that leaves space for other things.  Like connection. Reflection. And...Pac-Man. 

Midlife Revelation

Today's an important day in history- some people's histories. It's my birthday. It's my preference to mark this with no hubbub. Ask anyone who has thrown me a surprise party. So, why announce it this year?

I'm familiar with the midlife crisis. Read about it. Watched movies about it. Witnessed it as a young adult. When would mine come? What would I do? Tattoos? Have them designed and ready. (Somewhere in the universe, my aunt just had a pang in her chest and doesn't know why.) Dye my hair purple? (My stylist is doing a fist pump and mixing color.) Buy a motorcycle? To be fair, I wanted a three-wheel motorbike a few years ago. (Stylist's husband shakes his head. One wheel too many.) Quit my job, move to Europe, write/coach full-time? (My cats hiss at the thought of quarantine and a decline in income.)

But, oh...that last one. There's something delicious there.

I was facilitating a coaching session with Karen and she coined the term "Midlife Revelation." Hearing that phrase? My body was submerged in an ice bath. I am having a Mid Life Revelation. It's what drew me to blogging last fall. It's what made me take the leap and step into training with Leadership That Works. Tattoos, purple hair, and fancy wheels aside, authenticity is my passport to transformation.

It's important to have vision and secret dreams. Saying them aloud is the first step in achieving them.  I want to develop a network that promotes self care as precious, wanting as powerful, and that the "but" has purpose. There. I said it. What does it mean for my future? I don't know! But every choice I make is made with the dream in mind. 

So, back to my birthday. I brought my thoughts about this occasion to my peer coach and he asked me why I like to celebrate birthdays of those close to me. "Because they matter!" And, then, he did that dirty little coaching trick and flipped the message on me. Clever, clever. He asked me to speak my truth- who am I? I said all true things about my emerging self but felt disconnected from my body while saying them. And, then?

The Red Cardinal Appeared. Again. 

"Those who attract the cardinal as their totem are naturally energetic, love life, and happily help others where/when they can." My ice bath runneth over. The cardinal invites me to step into what I know to be true.

I, Suzie, matter. I deserve to take up space. Happy birthday, Suzie.

Guest Blogger: Welcome to the Universe, Sarah Haykel!

Do you know Sarah?  I met Sarah Haykel when I was searching for a professional Life Coach.  I was intentionally looking for someone who had strength in body awareness.  Through working with Sarah, I learned to trust my intuition with myself as much as I trust it in interacting with others.  That gift was priceless and I am incredibly honored to have her voice in my universe.  Enjoy!

The Most Important Question an Empath Can Ask Herself

At home in your physical body is the key.  

How do you feel in your body right now?

What sensations do you notice as you sit here and read this article?

Is there an opening in your chest, a deepness in your jawline, a frivolity in your pelvis?  

Is there a sadness that is waiting for its time to be felt, to be expressed?

Is there a joy so vibrant you want to jump up and down and scream it from the rooftops, who cares what your neighbors think?

Bringing your awareness to your body and how it feels in the moment can be a tool of self-awareness and even greater, self-empowerment.  

As a very sensitive person, some call an “empath,” I’ve realized that I pick up on a lot other people’s energy, emotions, thoughts, states of being, and at times, when I’m unaware, take them on as my own.  I can act out, feel sad, get angry, judge myself and others, feel jealous, want to scream.  But why, I ask myself?  And more importantly, whose energy is this?  

That last question is one of the most important I’ve used over the past couple of years to free myself from the binds of feeling and taking on other people’s “stuff” and energy.  I know the word “energy” used to be pretty “woo woo,” but now it’s become a mainstream term to describe this feeling we get when we’re aware of what’s happening inside our bodies and around our physical bodies in life.  

Let me clarify one main thing: it’s not that I don't have any of my own stuff.  I surely do.  This question: “Whose energy is this?” allows me to see and understand what is mine to deal with and what isn’t mine, or more importantly, what is someone else’s part to play in what I’m feeling.  This question gives me the necessary room and space to inquire within, when noticing the sensations of my body, and get clarity on what’s mine to deal with, if any of what I’m sensing is mine to deal with (a powerful distinction indeed).  I can also get clarity on whose energy it is that I’m feeling in my body or around me.

Sometimes I notice when I ask myself, “Whose energy is this?” and a name pops up into the center of my chest (where a lot of my “inner guidance voice” speaks from), I feel an instantaneous lightness, like “Ah, that’s whose it is.”  I don’t feel angry or judgment towards this person, I just feel clear, and the part of the energy that’s another person’s or part of the collective energy of many humans, leaves my energetic “field,” which I would call my internal body and the space around my body.  

My main goal in life is to feel good, to feel amazing in fact.  So when I feel energy or emotions in my body or around my body that don’t feel good, that’s a sign to me that I am out of balance within myself or something around me is out of balance or alignment.  This is when I start to inquire, when I get that uncomfortable or disconcerting feeling that something isn’t quite right.

I have to be honest, at times I feel scared to know how much of the uncomfortable energy, emotions or thoughts I’m experiencing are mine because I don’t want to be “wrong,” “bad,” or a part of an interaction or energy that is detracting from joy in life.  This is when I must draw up my own sense of self-compassion, self-love, self-forgiveness and honor for myself and where I’m at on this journey called life.  

At the same time, this awareness also allows me to be more compassionate, loving, and forgiving towards others and honor their journey in this life as well.   Plus, it is one of the most humbling and freeing feelings to take responsibility for my part to play in a funky situation.  It is also equally as liberating to free any energy or emotions that are not mine so others can own their parts to play in these situations. 

Whose energy is this?  A powerful question that can free you both in taking responsibility for your part to play and releasing any energy, thoughts, and emotions that are not yours to deal with, allowing others to be responsible for themselves, their thoughts, emotions, and actions in their own lives.  

Freedom.  I guess that’s one of my other main desires in life!  Free to Be All of Me!

How about you?  

What is one way you can start using this question: “Whose energy is this?” to free yourself to be all of you and add more joy and juice to life?  

Click here to receive Sarah’s Free to Be eBook that’s coming out this summer!  It’s free and will guide you through an important 5 step process so you can be Free to Be!  

Sarah Haykel, aka Salsa Sarah, has launched The Sensual Body Movement for women to reclaim their sexuality, embrace their divine femininity, and express their sensuality from an empowered, intentional, clear and conscious place through dance and life coaching.

As a trained Latin, W. African, hip-hop, and break-dancer over the past 14+ years, and with her own style of freestyle and improvisational sacred dance, Sarah uses her expertise to bring you deeper into your own sense of empowerment inside your body.

As a certified professional Life Coach, Sarah works with one on one client’s and groups through Body Centered Awareness. The body is a tool for providing information, support and guidance to bring you into greater alignment and harmony within yourself and all of life.

Live a life empowered and juicy from the inside out.  Join Sarah in The Sensual Body Movement by going to sarahhaykel.com for information now.