New Year's Resolu-Dos

In two days, it will be time to make resolutions.  Or, to pretend to have made resolutions.  Maybe we'll dress them up and call them goals.  Ask yourself this: Are you setting yourself up to succeed or fail?

My resolution one year was to go to the gym three times a week.  The second I didn't, I failed.  Or, I'd play games with myself.  "Next week is busy.  If I go five times this week, I can go once next week and it will be OK."  The year that I promised myself to make healthier choices and worked with a nutritionist for support, I was more successful.  I didn't tie the success to a calendar or a pass/fail system.

I find myself to be more accountable to actions tied to state of mind than measurable by something tangible.  If you are interested in a similar path, here are some tips.

1.  Check out Daily Alchemy's post on 4 Steps to Creating a Magical New Year.  I appreciate the section on "Following Your Bliss."  You do not need to go to a place of worship for the ceremony referenced in the blog.  (And...don't set yourself on fire.)

2.  Need more positive people in your life?  Find and follow them on social media.   Enjoy a daily dose of joy while stalking a celebrity or arguing over which is better- dogs or cats.  (Um...both are awesome.  Debate over.  Civility reigns supreme.)  Read The Happiness Project, visit its website, or follow author Gretchen Rubin on Twitter or Facebook.  100 Ways to Happiness by Dr. Timothy Sharp is another motivating read.

3.  Consider the concept of PostSecret by Frank Warren.  I've read the books for years and now follow the community online.  There is something to be said for sharing or letting go of an aspect of your past when you are ready for it.  (Or, seeing a licensed professional if you are not and want to be.)

4.  I'm often surprised by what I find at the end of list making.  I like the following prompt from List Your Self by Segalove and Velick:  “List those risks you'd like to take but are afraid to.”  (I'm a little scared of: “List what you hear when you get very quiet.”  I'm saving that for when I'm big!)

5.  Whatever your action, consider building in support.  Bring in a professional when the task requires it and if finances allow.  Or, have an accountability pal that you consult with every 4-6 weeks.  Celebrate your successes as you have them.  Adjust your path if you need to.  Don't give up!

Make sure you have a Resolu-Do state of mind and Resolu-Don't have your failure stick ready to measure before you take your first step.

What's your Resolu-do?

All I Want...

On this Christmas Eve, I anxiously look to the sky- just in case I see him.  (Ever since watching Santa Claus in 1985, I've wanted to err on the side of caution.)  After all, if NORAD is tracking him, you can't be too safe.

Do you remember writing your Christmas list to Santa and putting complicated things on it to test him?  I do.  Here's my list for this year.  

Dear Santa,

• I would like a coffee fairy to deliver a daily dose to my workspace at 1:30.  One sugar, light on the cream.  This is the best part of my day and a bonus cup would make it all the better.
• I would like a garage for snowy days.  Or, a chauffeur.  Your call.
• I would like grownups to stop being mean to each other, about each other, and on behalf of one another.
• I would like for Jonathan Maberry and Stephen King to write a bedtime story for me.  I would like Jon Stewart to introduce it and Ellen Degeneres to narrate it.  All while Channing Tatum interprets it through dance.

And, now, for the most complicated item.  I simply want to be happy.  Not happy because I have stuff.  Not happy because I can get more stuff.  But happy because I continue to accept each day as a gift and after a less than perfect day, I know I can always start over.

(But, if that's too hard...I'll take the bedtime story.)

What's on your list?

The Imperfect Ten

Who decided that a 10 was the perfect score and why is there pressure to be a 10?  Once you are a 10, there's a risk of phoning it in and not trying anymore.  Let's face it- we can all stand to improve a little more and we will all benefit from the effort.  Each day should reset at a 0 and our goal should be to work up to a 9.99999.  At home.  In our community.  With our children, friends, and loved ones.  (You can throw work into the mix if you want.)  Most of all?  Within ourselves.  I vow to never be a perfect 10.

How about you?

"Who's your doctor?"

"Who's your doctor?"
Response A- Blurts out family doctor.
Response B- "There's nothing wrong with me!"
Response C- Says the name of one of 12-14ish possibilities associated with Doctor Who.
Thanks, A.  See you soon, B, (with my clipboard and pen in hand…).  Helloooooooo, C!

Matt Smith's appearance as the Doctor was my entrance into the series.   I was hooked from fish fingers and custard.  If you would have asked me who my Doctor was, my response would have been clear.  Smith.  As the 50th anniversary loomed, I binge-watched from the first episode of the new series.  Christopher Eccleston became MY Doctor.  My heart broke for him.  Then, David Tennant was on the scene.  Wait- HE'S my Doctor.   (Come on- he did that horrible thing to his people because he HAD to and then had to pretty much do it AGAIN when You Know Who came back.)  But, then, I watched some of Matt Smith's finest hours again.  (His goodbye to the redhead?  Well, to both redheads…)

I cannot commit to just one Doctor.  The beauty of the show is you can watch the series in order and appreciate all of the inside jokes/continuous storylines OR you can watch it out of order- the episodes stand on their own as do the players.

That got me thinking.  If I do not have to view my Doctors in any order, how about my past?  I don't have a TARDIS (to travel back and forth in time and space for my non Whovians).  But I have an excellent memory.  Do I have to remember events in a specific sequence or can I watch the highlights?  If someone Hurt me in the past, does that negate all of the good memories?

How does changing the order in which we view things impact our perception of them?  And of ourselves?  Instead of worrying about glasses being half full or empty or being Rose colored, perhaps we should wear rear view mirrored monoculars so we don't forget.  I often hear people say we should look at the big picture.  If I've learned anything from watching Doctor Who it's that some timey-wimey stuff definitely impacts the bigger picture and it deserves a closer look.  (And...bow ties ARE cool.)

“Wanna Be FRiends?”

A wonderful FRiend is making her new house a home.  I remember my experience when I was in the market for a house and the lessons I learned.

1. There are wants and non-negotiable items.  I wanted central air.  Non-negotiable?  No dirt basements.  (Too many places to hide my body.  Remember, I’ve watched Lifetime.)
2. Fixer-Upper and “As Is”: These are different.  We barely had a budget to buy a house; we did not have a budget for repairs.  Or decorating.  I fantasized about appliances that worked, a roof that did not leak, and animal-potty-free floors.  A home warranty took care of the first two; elbow grease the other.  (For the record- I took off wallpaper.  I took off some drywall with that wallpaper...)
3. The process is slow and fast all at once.  Maybe you are looking and maybe your are Looking.  I cried like a baby when our bid was accepted- convinced we could not do it.  (I also had a 101 degree fever and strep throat, so...)  All of a sudden- it evolved from a listing, to a contender, to a This-Is-It-Keep-Your-Fingers-Crossed, to Our Home. 

Advice abounds on what to look for when buying a home.  But what about when we are in the market for a friend?  Making new friends as an adult can be challenging but many of the above lessons do apply.

1. Know your wants and non-negotiables.  Do you want a friend (light fun, socializing) or a Friend (includes 3AM texts and breakfast without makeup)?  Will you accept gossip (lighthearted, slice of life stories) but not Gossip (has an edge of nastiness best left behind with our lockers)?
2. It’s rare that as adults we meet new adults, unpack our emotional baggage, and say “Here I am” the way we did as kids with our crates or pillowcases full of G.I. Joes, Legos, or Barbies.  As our new friends peel their layers before us, the unspoken expectation is the same- “I’m trusting you not to break my stuff.”  It’s not our job to fix our new Friends as if they had leaking roofs.  But we can show them the leak and see if they can find the source.  Maybe hold the flashlight?
3. How do we navigate the process of evolving from acquaintance to friend and from friend to Friend without paperwork and witnesses?  And what about the FRiend?  The one you haven’t seen since your wedding and suspect has been buried in a dirt floor basement (SEE?) but then shows up at your mother’s funeral?  Or the one that jumps from friend to FRiend when she comes to your rescue in a medical situation?  How do we maintain our relationships with our FRiends without depleting our emotional budgets?  What do we do when a FRiend changes to a Friend or to a friend or worse, an acquaintance?  

Unlike house hunting, we do not have a realtor to guide us through the friendship process.  You have to be your own Relate-or (new word!).  Manage your listings.  Make your own repairs- don’t subcontract out.  And...wipe off your feet when the welcome mat is rolled out.  You’d be surprised how hard it is to get the tread marks off.

A Tale of Two Suzies

A poem originally crafted from my grandmother's point of view inspired this week’s post.  These are impressions formed from my memories as a little girl and stories told to me over time.  This bit from "She Remembers" called to me.  

She remembers her niece Susie S-U-S-I-E with eyes as black as marbles.  
She had a stomach ache and a stuffed animal in the hospital.  
The stuffed animal came home.  
She remembers, years later, when Suzie with a Z was born into a family with a legacy of loss.  
Great aunt never met thanks to a car that never stopped.
One great uncle claimed by the ocean; One that never returned from a trip to the corner store.
She remembers to tell her granddaughter to turn the tide.  
And, I try.

Susie died early on in childhood, a complete generation before I was born.  I’ve misplaced an old article detailing her hospital stay and reaction of people.  The exact cause of her illness shifts depending upon which family member tells the tale.  The photograph is haunting- a little girl and her animal.  When I was younger, I would see her in my sleep.  

Her own mother never discussed her with me.  She would take me for lunch and movie dates when I was slightly older than her Susie.  I would giggle and prattle.  She would stroke my hair and say, “My Suzie.”  Or, maybe it was, “My Susie.”

I’ve always had a drive to make my life count, to make a difference.  To be worthy.  No one ever said to me that I needed to live a life worthy of two Suzies.  But...I’ve tried.